Thank you all so much for your sweet comments and prayers. We really appreciate them. I'm sorry it took me so long to upload some of them - and to update this poor, neglected blog. I am now officially 17 weeks pregnant and the baby is due on or, more likely, around 10th November. This Wednesday I go to the hospital for a check up. This would normally be done at my GP (General Practitioner) surgery but the midwife who booked me in at the hospital wanted me seen by the consultant 'just in case' because of my history of high blood pressure. Later this month I go for my 20 week scan and from then on in it is just the usual round of blood tests and midwives' appointments, hopefully the fewer the better.
Well, those are the bald facts. I've seen on a number of blogs a jolly little widget that displays your mood for the day. 'Today I am mostly feeling ...' or something like that. I'm not sure such a widget could handle the range of emotions I am feeling at the moment. Overjoyed at being pregnant again without a doubt, elated, excited, hopeful, thankful, privileged, fearful, tearful, anxious, stressed ... The list could go on and on. That so many conflicting emotions can exist simultaneously is surely testament to the amazing flexibility of the human mind. Pregnancy after loss is a tricky thing. I know that many of you know this far better than I. I don't think you ever approach it with the same degree of relaxation or joyful anticipation as in those pre-loss pregnancies. The pregnancy books and sites speak calmingly of how the risk of miscarriage is much less after 12 weeks (and praise God this is true) but when you have lost a little one in your second or third trimester, you are not likely to gain much reassurance from this. At the moment I am battling anxiety and fear on a daily basis. On some days it threatens to overwhelm. I know from experience how destructive such anxiety is to me. Apart from anything else it prevents me from being the joyful mother of the children God has already blessed me with - and it isn't much fun for Rob either. I know with the Lord's strength we can make it through any eventuality. It isn't that I doubt. I just don't like the not knowing what will happen and my anticipating mind has a default setting that anticipates the worst.
So what have I been doing to counter this. I turn to things that have helped me in the past. I read Scripture passages that speak of God's faithfulness and goodness, verses that talk of the strength and joy that the Lord imparts. I meditate and pray these through. I listen to sermons and Christian broadcasts that focus on these things and I read inspiring Christian books, articles and (of course) blogs. I do all of these things fitfully and imperfectly and the Lord in His mercy does the rest.
I hope this doesn't sound too whiney and dreary. We are both truly overjoyed to be expecting again. It is very exciting and at the grand old age of 43, not something I had taken for granted would ever happen again. Rob and I can say with total confidence 'The Lord has blessed us!'. The awful vomiting (some days after every bite of food or drink - much, much worse than ever before) has stopped. Yippee! I still have the all day nausea but you cannot believe how bearable that is without the actual throwing up. I am anaemic - but have a good iron supplement. My blood pressure, according to our home monitor, remains out of the danger zone - despite the worries of the hospital midwife who managed to be both over zealous and utterly ineffectual at the same time. My cervix is showing no signs of its previous incompetence - so I am looking forward to avoiding bedrest. And, despite the nausea, I can even sit up for long enough to write a rambling blog post! At this rate I may even get some ironing done!